


Mayor Richard Wilkins III: How to Become a Giant Snake and Still Feel Good About Yourself

by ocean_of_notions, radio_silent



Series: The Very Secret Diaries...on the Hellmouth! [10]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angel is Still Writing That Soap Opera, Crack, Diary/Journal, Gen, Humor, Lists, Season/Series 03, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-13
Updated: 2009-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocean_of_notions/pseuds/ocean_of_notions, https://archiveofourown.org/users/radio_silent/pseuds/radio_silent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Day Five<br/>Can cross off "get a new vampiric helper to deal with the messier items that Alan can't handle" from my Things To Do Before I Ascend To A Higher Plane/Become A Giant Snake list.  Also good to be expanding staff, since the Slayer is apparently plus one (not entirely clear on how that happened...).</p><p>Next up: prepare for sacrifice to Lurconis and contact T-Mobile--am terribly disappointed in their service in this area.  Can never get a signal when I need one."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mayor Richard Wilkins III: How to Become a Giant Snake and Still Feel Good About Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Wikipedia says we spelled Allan's name wrong? You'll live. (Though if anyone dies of this problem LET US KNOW and we'll change it.)

Day One  
To Do List:  
-Meet with City Council.  
-Enter eBay auction for three-cornered hats (necessary for annual Show of Devotion to Flargh).  
-Increase security measures in Slayer's absence--wouldn't want any wayward demon causing any untoward disturbances.

Day Two  
Possible "explanations" for last night's zombie attack:  
- ~~sale on fake blood at Ethan's Costume Shop~~   (Shop abandoned after last Halloween)  
- ~~Russian invasion~~ (Red Scare no longer scary)  
- ~~George A. Romero film shooting~~ (But why would they be filming in Sunnydale?)  
- ~~Rabid primates attack~~ (No human-looking apes at the Sunnydale Zoo--should work on that.)  
-Gang Related/PCP (It's a classic for a reason)

Day Three  
-Caught wind of a potential new player in town--vampire, but not as antiquated as the masses.  Told Alan to keep an eye on him--he's a tricky fellow, but might be useful.  
-Dealt with R. Snyder and defused a potential situation.  Will be keeping the Slayer in public school for the time being.  Best to have these hooligans off the streets and in the schools where we can keep two eyes on them.  
-Got my new golf set in the mail today!

Day Four  
Think Alan's getting too comfortable in his position. I can't see blood under his fingernails (from appropriately intense scrubbing) any more. Worried he'll start getting ideas/bring unwanted germs into the office. And germs are gross.

Am also disappointed with golf set. Perhaps intended for more amateur putters... It's getting me nowhere on that darn windmill hole. 

Day Five  
Can cross off "get a new vampiric helper to deal with the messier items that Alan can't handle" from my Things To Do Before I Ascend To A Higher Plane/Become A Giant Snake list.  Also good to be expanding staff, since the Slayer is apparently plus one (not entirely clear on how that happened...).

Next up: prepare for sacrifice to Lurconis and contact T-Mobile--am terribly disappointed in their service in this area.  Can never get a signal when I need one.

Day Six  
To Do List:  
-Meet with Dave from Public Works Committee regarding sewer maintenance.  
- ~~Pacify Lurconis~~  
-Take suit to dry cleaners (Tide just doesn't cut it with sewage stains).

Day Seven  
Think my floor is uneven; real downer for putting practice! Wonder if I could negotiate earthquake with additional sacrifices. I should have one pricey, particularity unpredictable vampire on my hands soon... (try saying that five times fast!)

Day Eight  
Arranged tour with Sunnydale's boy scout troop.  Children should understand authority figures... Pity the Ascension's not sooner; fear tactics v. effective.  Just look at Alan!

Day Nine  
New Year's Resolutions:  
1\. Ascend to a higher plane/become a giant snake.  
2\. Convey finer points of hygiene to Alan.  
3\. Inspire fear in the masses.  
4\. Perfect my cookie recipe.  
5\. Improve my putting--got to get all the golfing I can done while I still have thumbs!

Day Ten  
Whoever this new player is, they don't know how it's done around here.  Killing little children, and leaving them in the park?  That's just so...unseemly.  They've got no _style_ , you know.  Certainly can't run a campaign that way.  All infanticide must be kept well under wraps.

(later)

Slayer's mother also unseemly. Made an elaborate speech about "unnatural evils" in this town. What kind of evils? All our vampires and demons are the good, dependable kind. Flaying and neck wounds are nothing next to those new dance moves the kids are thinking up.

Day Eleven  
Some interesting visitors from England have shown up in town this week. Records indicate they're harmless, but I don't know. Don't understand their humor... Does Family Circus even syndicate overseas?

Day Twelve  
Apocalypse coming up.  Slayers can probably handle it.

Day Thirteen  
Found some Eliminati vampires lurking about; will have to put a stop to them. Actually Trick found them. Between him and Alan my staff is really coming along this year. Should make Ascension (and 100 days spell) no problem!

(later)

To Do List:  
- ~~Greet Scouts~~.  
-Lumber Union Reschedule.  
- ~~Call Temp Agency~~.  
- ~~Become Invincible~~.  
-Meeting With PTA.  
-Haircut.

Day Fourteen  
First Alan, then Trick too.  Bad day for me and my staff when even the shredder can't turn my frown upside down.  Just don't know what to do.

(later)

Rogue slayer > shredder.  Not such a bad day after all!

Day Fifteen  
Am starting to really like new slayer. Faith. Bought her a new apartment; old one had immoral liaisons, and some guy named "Bubba" hanging around all the time. Looked like he belonged in prison.

Day Sixteen  
Faith's just the darndest thing. Stopped Slayer's little wiccan from hacking into my files and everything. Wonder if she'd like miniature golf.

(later)

Overheard Faith muttering about some "Delilah."  Hope Faith made a new friend; don't think slayer or Bubba are particularly good influences. Bought Faith a PlayStation hoping to elicit answers, but so far no luck.

Day Seventeen  
Angel proved v. disappointing; did not recognize Faith's superior beauty over Buffy and lose his soul in a moment of true happiness.

You know, I think it's the hair.  Do you think she even owns a hairband?  I just don't see how any demon could refuse her lovely face.

Day Eighteen  
Canceled my putting plans to summon mage.  Was worth it though, to see Faith and Angelus together.  They sure do make a handsome young couple.  She's growing up so fast!

(later)

With first love, comes first heartbreak...know it's got to happen, but hard to see Faith so down.  Think she was crying before I came in.  Heard her muttering about Delilah again too--think she broke the mage's spell?

Day Nineteen  
To Do List:  
-Console Faith. (bake cookies?)  
-Import Box of Gavrock.  
- ~~Dry cleaning~~.  
-Investigate "Delilah."  
-Get back to those putting plans--just because you'll be a giant snake soon doesn't mean this is time to slack off!

Day Twenty  
Gave Faith a present (and a cookie!).  Still a little blue, bet getting better.  No word yet on Delilah, but Faith did get me a killer deal on the Box of Gavrock.

(later)

Vampire henchmen not good for very much.  Maybe I should let Faith stake them.  Might be a better stress-reliever for her than miniature golf.

Day Twenty-One  
Sources say Sunnydale student breeding hellhounds to attack Prom. Won't send Faith after him... but perhaps he would make a nice addition to the team? Should always reward the promising youth.

(later)

Slayer stopped the hellhounds; students partied. With those horrid dance moves. Am beginning to remember why I want to become a giant snake.

Day Twenty-Two  
Everything seems ready for the Ascension--found Faith an outfit, checked out the graduation site, ate the spiders, had secretary edit my speech. Plus, Slayer's ex-watcher stabbed me in the chest this morning, which really got the blood moving.

I'm looking forward to eating that little man.

Day Twenty-Three  
Do not know what to think.  Just one day shy of my Ascension, have been thrown a total curve-ball.  Walked in on Faith in a...compromising situation.

She was watching Passions.  _Passions_.  With all the sex, and the orangutans...just not appropriate for a growing girl.  Maybe the mysterious Delilah is responsible for this.

Day Twenty-Four  
Ascension here!  Not a day without regrets, of course; may have been too hard on Faith about TV habits.  I don't think she'll be making the ceremony today.

And DELILAH.  There's a regret, no more time for detective work.  Who in the dickens is she??

Day Twenty-Five (in Spike's handwriting!)  
Back in Sunnydale.  Found this weird book in the old high school.  WTF?  Snake?  Is that what that bloody awful smell is?  Good stuff about the poofter though.


End file.
